Friday, November 14, 2008

Seeing the truth about me



As I close water week, a sense of calm has come over me. I realize I am participating in my own life. I never did that before.

All of my life my thoughts have told me that I'm not good enough and something is wrong with me. I have told myself that I didn't deserve to be loved.

When I was seven months sober, I walked in on my boyfriend and a girl I had considered a friend, in bed together. I was crushed and wanted to drink, to self-sabotage, to validate the voices in my head that said I deserved it and this will always happen to me. At that moment I believed I was a victim and I was powerless to stop things like this from happening.

It is true that God is in the silences. I did not drink and I walked through the pain until I could begin to see my part in the situation. After all, I can only be responsible for myself. I did have a huge part in that happening, not to say I deserved it, but in seeing that I could walk from the perspective of victim to survivor.

Today I can use my painful experiences to see that I have other choices. I do!!! I can make amends to those I have hurt and look the world in the eye-knowing that I am enough. I deserve better! Although I may not walk this road gracefully, it is important to me that I continue to walk.

14 comments:

Genie Sea said...

Ah Katie, I so hear you. I am releasing the same victim pattern. It's good to shed it. :)

I love the observation that you are participating in your own life for the first time. It hit this truth home for me. You are so right! Me too!

YaY for being a survivor! Blessings to you! :)

chest of drawers said...

Wonderful post, I can feel you growing in the realisations you´ve made.

Serena said...

Congratulations on your awakening, Katie.....it's a wonderful feeling to know that you have the power to make these life-changing choices. I wish you well on the rest of your soul journey.

love, light and peace,
serena

Jamie said...

What a huge shift and a powerful woman! Congratulations on all that you've accomplished and becoming the survivor you are. I'm glad you're here!

Nicole said...

Yes, you do deserve better and what a wonderful realisation to have! You are now opening up a space to deserve better. Blessings, Nicole x

Kavindra said...

Wow, good for you. You sound like a very strong woman. Thanks for the inspiration!
And I love the photo too.

Jane Valencia said...

Hurrah! What strength and loving heart in your words. It is the hardest thing in the world to keep walking through the pain, and on into the life you know you deserve. You inspire me!

miss*R said...

You are an amazing soul, you truly are. I felt strength coming from your words..
and continue to walk, yes.. and you will get stronger with each step you take.. and we will all be here cheering you on xoxo

Leila Anasazi said...

Rock. On.

pen* said...

walking through the pain is one of the hardest things to do but, hopefully as your post beautifully illustrates, also the most rewarding. congratulations on seeing your self worth and choosing you. hugely inspiring.

Danette said...

You are standing up in your life, and that alone is graceful.

Paula - Buenos Aires said...

Yay! Go Katie! :)

Esi said...

Katie - I love you and I am so proud of all you have accomplished.

Kelly said...

My dear friend. You never cease to amaze me with your perspective. I love that your finally participating in life now. That is an amazing feeling...enjoy it. Love you and miss you!