Friday, November 14, 2008
Seeing the truth about me
As I close water week, a sense of calm has come over me. I realize I am participating in my own life. I never did that before.
All of my life my thoughts have told me that I'm not good enough and something is wrong with me. I have told myself that I didn't deserve to be loved.
When I was seven months sober, I walked in on my boyfriend and a girl I had considered a friend, in bed together. I was crushed and wanted to drink, to self-sabotage, to validate the voices in my head that said I deserved it and this will always happen to me. At that moment I believed I was a victim and I was powerless to stop things like this from happening.
It is true that God is in the silences. I did not drink and I walked through the pain until I could begin to see my part in the situation. After all, I can only be responsible for myself. I did have a huge part in that happening, not to say I deserved it, but in seeing that I could walk from the perspective of victim to survivor.
Today I can use my painful experiences to see that I have other choices. I do!!! I can make amends to those I have hurt and look the world in the eye-knowing that I am enough. I deserve better! Although I may not walk this road gracefully, it is important to me that I continue to walk.