Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Feeling a little blue at the moment. I'm posting,because this feeling is not abnormal for me, however I usually wait for these moments to pass and give them no voice.
Nothing has gone terribly wrong or anything. Its just this sticky, uncomfortable feeling I am sitting in. I guess you could call it a case of the "blues" or a case of the "me,me, me, me, me's" Either way I am spending too much time thinking about where I should be in my life, who should be in it, or ugh! Where the hell am I?!
I know this is fire week and all. I think I was supposed to have fun or something. I'm just melancholy and lethargic. Yuck!
Friday, November 14, 2008
As I close water week, a sense of calm has come over me. I realize I am participating in my own life. I never did that before.
All of my life my thoughts have told me that I'm not good enough and something is wrong with me. I have told myself that I didn't deserve to be loved.
When I was seven months sober, I walked in on my boyfriend and a girl I had considered a friend, in bed together. I was crushed and wanted to drink, to self-sabotage, to validate the voices in my head that said I deserved it and this will always happen to me. At that moment I believed I was a victim and I was powerless to stop things like this from happening.
It is true that God is in the silences. I did not drink and I walked through the pain until I could begin to see my part in the situation. After all, I can only be responsible for myself. I did have a huge part in that happening, not to say I deserved it, but in seeing that I could walk from the perspective of victim to survivor.
Today I can use my painful experiences to see that I have other choices. I do!!! I can make amends to those I have hurt and look the world in the eye-knowing that I am enough. I deserve better! Although I may not walk this road gracefully, it is important to me that I continue to walk.
Monday, November 10, 2008
The past few days have been pretty intense!!!
I had a nasty case of the "reds" last night at work. My lens was in "focus on me" mode. When I am in that head space I am a character assassin and I am the victim of the universe. I cried twice and blamed others for my fears. I felt like an emotional wreck and almost wanted more bad things to happen to prove how much of a "victim" I really was.
It is so easy to see it correctly at this moment, from a new perspective. I am not a victim, I am a survivor. I chose my perception and my reality. I am grateful to have the opportunity and the humility to walk into work today and make amends to my manager/friend.
I don't do so well with feelings. I've spent the last 15 years anesthetizing them with alcohol and when the waves hit, they hit hard and deep and I feel like I will never feel good again. I know its not true, but I'm just a (30 year-old) kid who's learning the ropes of life.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Okay, so its super late but better than not at all right!!!
My commitment to myself is to call 3 other alcoholics a day to see how they are doing.
After doing some work on where I wanted to be I realized that I need other women desperately. I need to stop isolating and make friends. It doesn't hurt that my sponsor is requiring this of me as well to stay sober!
In other news, my dog has begun fighting with the very peaceful dog we are living with. It is bringing up a lot of bad memories for me (kelly, if you are reading you know what i'm talking about). I feel like its my fault and I am a bad mom. In all honesty, I think she needs more boundaries, so that is another commitment I am making. She is quite the reflection of myself actually!!!
Okay Universe what does this mean???!!!!!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Today is Day 1 of a 30 day program I will be participating in called The Next Chapter: Soul Coaching!!!! I am so excited and will be blogging about my experience at least 3 times a week. To be honest, I decided to participate to see if I would actually start this and see it through to the end. I think it is important for me to be held accountable, I struggle with this on a daily basis. Not sure exactly what I'm going to learn, but I guess you will know as soon as I do!!!